What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
15.06.2025 04:30
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Why do men find women with bigger buttocks attractive?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
When she asked me how she looked .
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Why would Joseph Smith say that polygamy was God's law?
I never cut or harmed myself..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
How was your first cuckolding experience as a husband?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why are men today so pussiefied?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
How can I watch porn on TikTok?
I have no regrets .
Would this be the day?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So whats the point in blame.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She loved him until the end.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
This is soul school!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I don,t even have a pension.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He knew the spot.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But, we were locked up after school.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
We were not on the streets..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
So, i spoilt her more .
I could never make a relationship work though!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was seconnd youngest,
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It was going to be , some day.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My family never makes their pension either.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But ive been too sick for many years..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
All the time i was locked up.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
Im still living with it.
What did i know ?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I waited trembling.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i do to all so called friends.?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Who then, do I blame.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I was 9 years of age.
My life is so biszare .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I think the readers, may guess!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But it wasn’t much.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I will be 64.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was scared of men, in general
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And i lived it daily.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I said to her
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Comes on , in middle age.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Put me off passion for life!!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
We all went to grammer schools
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She was in good health!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I write beautiful poetry .
Why did i forgive my father ?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was very sick at this time too.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Ive learnt so much.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.